There is usually also at least one original track.

These original Christmas songs—let’s call them “modern” Christmas songs, for lack of a better term—are generally terrible. They’re usually nothing more than generic love songs into which Christmas-related words have been inserted. If you can write a love song, you can write a modern Christmas song.

Here are a few tips:

• Instead of “I love you, baby!” try “I love spending Christmas with you, baby!”
• Instead of “I’d die for you!” try “I’d buy (a Christmas present) for you!”
• Instead of singing about kissing in the rain, sing about kissing in the snow, or underneath the mistletoe.

Repeat one or all of these lines several times and BOOM! you’ve got yourself the chorus to a brand new, modern Christmas song. I’ll take a 40% cut of the royalties.

The restaurant was tiny. I had been told it was small, but it was probably a good 25% smaller than I thought it would be. But, because it was almost empty when I got there, I decided to take a seat and enjoy the air conditioning while I ate.

The only other customer in the place was a guy who had never had poutine before.

It might seem strange that a person has never eaten poutine, but it’s not. I’ve never eaten a Twinkie before. What would be strange is if I had never heard of Twinkies.

This guy had never even heard of poutine before!

He didn’t seem to know what to order, at first. Eventually, he settled on the Canadian (traditional poutine plus bacon; this is also what I ordered and it is delicious). He continued to look at the menu board and asked the woman behind the counter: “What is ‘frites?’”

“That’s French for fries,” she replied.

“OK, I’ll have a side of those.”

“You want extra fries?” she asked, eyebrow raised.

“Oh, um, does it come with that?” he asked.

“Yeah, it’s poutine: fries, gravy and cheese curds,” she said, “I don’t want to doubt your appetite but it’s pretty filling. It’s a meal.”

And so he didn’t order the fries. But, what the hell did he think poutine was? Did he think he was ordering nothing but bacon, curds, and gravy? Did he think there was a mystery ingredient?

A little bit later, after he had eaten a few bites, the cook and the cashier asked him what he thought of his first poutine. His response reinforced that he had honestly never heard of poutine before: “It’s good! It’s not at all what I expected or had even heard of, but it’s good.”

He left shortly after that. On the way back to the office, I thought about the man who knew not poutine. I was glad that he had discovered poutine. But I wondered where he had come from, that he had never heard of poutine before.

Alas, we will probably never know.

Saturday marks the end of the world as we know it. According to FamilyRadio.com, the Rapture will occur on May 21, 2011. Those heathens among us will be left behind until October 21, when the Earth will be destroyed by fire.

Since we’re all doomed, many around the world are planning Rapture Parties (or End of the World Parties, depending on your preference). Any excuse for us pagans to worship Bacchus, right?

I’m having my own End of the World party on Saturday night. There will be purple Kool-Aid, there will be creepy cult radio broadcasts, and there will be general merriment and good times.

If it turns out that world really is coming to an end, at least I’ll be in good company when it happens!

I know I’m a bit behind in posting this. Apparently, this song has become the meme of the week. Today is the first Friday since it became an overnight sensation for all of the wrong reasons.

I was hoping that it was a brilliant satire of modern pop music. Alas, this article seems to suggest that it’s quite the opposite.

It is, in fact, a terrible (but painfully catchy) pop song about eating cereal, having a hard time deciding what seat to sit in, and “getting down” (whatever that means when you’re 13 years old).

The worst part is that young Rebecca didn’t write the song herself. If she had, that might be forgivable (she’s only 13, after all). No, this was written by an adult—a professional songwriter, no doubt.

Le sigh.

Put This On: LBJ Buys Pants from Put This On on Vimeo.

Mark your calendars, ladies and gentlemen, this Thursday is Have Sex With a Guy With a Moustache Day. So, get out there and have some sex in the name of Movember.

rH8as.jpg 800×1067.

lwqzD.jpg 483×720.

If I ever knock someone up, I’m totally going to buy her this t-shirt before I skip town.

(via @Like_A_Fox)

“They’re made out of meat.”

“Meat?”

“Meat. They’re made out of meat.”

“Meat?”

“There’s no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They’re completely meat.”

Read the entire story.

Thanks to Emerson Emergency for emailing me the link to this story.