An Open Letter to the Person Who Tossed Their Playboy: College Girls Magazine in Front of My Apartment
Dear sir/madam,
It appears that you no longer wanted to “read” your porno. As a result, you disposed of it, not in the garbage or recycling bin, but in my parking lot. While some might condemn you for this act, I instead seek to correct your behaviour.
You were on the right track when you disposed of it as you did, but you neglected a couple of important elements of proper pornographic magazine disposal.
First, you disposed of only a few pages, and not the entire magazine. Perhaps the rest of the magazine lies nearby, and the pages I saw were carried away from the primary text by the wind. If this is the case, I apologize for criticizing you on this point. If I am correct, however, what did you do with the rest of the magazine? Why did you only dispose of a few pages? I’m confused, good sir/madam, and I hope that you will provide an explanation.
Second, and most importantly, you disposed of the magazine in a neighbourhood where children are unlikely to find it.
The more Puritanical readers of this letter may be shocked that I am criticizing a person for disposing of porn in an area where children are not likely to discover it. That is because you are Puritanical. But let me explain.
When I was a child, the only way to find out what naked ladies look like was by finding thrown-out porno in the back alley. That was a wonderful day. Unfortunately, my younger brother was the one who actually found the magazine, so after much fighting, I believe I only ended up with a few pages of my own.
Eventually, the more nosy among my peers would discover that some of our fathers had collections of pornographic magazines, and they usually didn’t notice when they went missing. But that back alley Playboy was an important part of my sexual awakening. The same, I’m sure, is true for all young men who discover porno in the back alley.
And that is why the proper method for disposing of pornographic magazines involves dumping them in a location where children (ages 10+) will have a chance of discovering them.
Of course, kids these days have the Internet, which means that they’ve probably watched dozens of hardcore porno movies by the time that they’re 10 and have already become bored by normal sex. Hell, they’re probably already bored by the not-so-off-the-beaten-path things like anal sex, threesomes, and so on.
Kids these days, with their Internets and their high definition pornographic movies, are probably prowling the darkest recesses of the web, looking for movies involving midgets having sex with donkeys who are, in turn, double-penetrating amputees.
Aw, hell, maybe those kids don’t need any back alley porn. Compared to what they’re looking at, the women of Playboy: College Girls are being positively modest.
Sincerely,
Adam Snider
This was the funniest blog post I read all week. This is especially immortal:
“Kids these days, with their Internets and their high definition pornographic movies, are probably prowling the darkest recesses of the web, looking for movies involving midgets having sex with donkeys who are, in turn, double-penetrating amputees.”
I nearly ruptured my spleen laughing at that.
Glad you enjoyed it, Mike. That was my favourite part, too. It was fun writing that bit.