Saying Goodbye
Posted on November 6, 2006
Filed Under Uncategorized |
On Saturday, 4 November 2006, my grandmother passed away. I hadn’t seen her in a few years. It was long enough that I had started to forget certain things about her. I forgot exactly what she looked like. Though, I saw a recent picture of her and knew that it wasn’t what I remembered of her. She had been ill for quite a long time now—breast cancer—and she looked different. Maybe it wasn’t the cancer that made her look different, maybe it was just age. Because, even though she looked different than I remember, she still looked happy and healthy.
I keep debating about whether or not I should fly out to attend the funeral. Realistically, I can’t afford to. Even the cheapest of flights is more than I can really afford. I’m living paycheque to paycheque at this point in my life, and even the discount flights I’ve found would knock me on my ass after all the taxes are added in. But, beyond the financial aspect, I don’t know if I could handle the funeral right now. I know this is a selfish thought. My own feelings aren’t as important as being there to support my family—my mother, my grandfather—but it’s still the way I feel.
It’s all very surreal. I knew it was close, but now that it’s happened, I can’t really believe it. I mean, logically, I know it’s true, but there’s still that psychological gap, the denial stage of grief.
I’m confused, and feel a bit guilty for not being as affected by this as I think I should be. While we weren’t incredibly close, my grandparents on my mom’s side are the relatives to whom I am the closest, after my immediate family and my aunt Debbie’s family. I feel like I should be more torn up than I am, in more pain than I’m in. But I’m not.
Maybe it hasn’t sunk in yet. I broke down after I heard the news. I was fine until the moment I hung up the phone. I stood there, shocked, trying to hold myself together, but that didn’t last long. At least I wasn’t alone when I found out. But, I think that initial moment of pain is normal. Beyond that, I don’t know that I’ve fully realized what this means.
What I do know is that Grandma Wills—Dot, to her friends—lived a good life. She was mostly happy, I think. I don’t remember seeing her angry more than once or twice (I’m sure, like anyone, there were many angry moments, but I witnessed very few of them). She and my grandfather, Lyle, successfully raised two daughters, and had their hands in the formation of us grandkids. She had good friends, and a loving husband and family. In the end, that’s all that really matters so, ultimately, her life was a success story.
Whatever happens after this, I’ll miss her. But, I think I’ll be able to smile when I think about her, knowing that her life was lived well. I only hope that I can achieve some measure of similarity in my own life.
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4 Responses to “Saying Goodbye”
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I’m sorry about your grandmother. I can empathize about not knowing what to feel though at certain points. It’s a strange thing to go through, but one thing I would say is that there is definately solace in being there for your family. Be around them a lot. It tends to help you remember the best memories, whether they are yours or not.
No matter what you do if you go or not you’ll always have your positive memories to keep her alive in your heart and in your mind.
This is exactly how I felt when my Granny died as I had only met her a few times in my life. I guess I felt shock more than anything and sadness because I didn’t know her well.
Hope you know your friends are here if you need them.
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