Alien Apocalypse Drinking Game

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On the weekend, Sara and I watched a movie that I got for Christmas. This movie, as you may have guessed from the title of this post, was Alien Apocalypse.

It was one of the worst movies I have ever seen.

Now, I kind of expected the movie to be bad. After all, the star of the movie—Bruce Campbell—is the king of the B-movie. But Alien Apocalypse goes beyond B-movie cheesiness into the realm of the just plain bad.

For one thing, the acting is terrible. I’d say that pretty much the entire cast, with the exception of about 2 or 3 actors, was made up of people who have never acted before.

In addition to bad acting, there are a multitude of ridiculous visual effects. The worst of these is probably the fact that many of the extras (and even some relatively significant characters) were wearing obviously fake beards; they were of no greater quality than those you’d find at a costume store near Halloween.

The aliens looked ridiculous, and the action scenes seemed to consist of an endless loop of the same lumber pile exploding every few minutes.

I could spend hours talking about how ridiculous the plot is. Instead, I’ll just sum it up in brief:

• Bruce Campbell is part of a NASA team sent into space 40 years ago to set up a deep-space probe (this is referred to as “the Probe Mission;” even their uniforms simply say “Probe Mission” on them). They have been in cryogenic status the entire time (minus a few minutes spent actually launching the probe, one assumes).
• Bruce and his team return to Earth to find themselves in the middle of a barren landscape. They soon find that this is where Portland, Oregon used to be.
• The team is captured by “bounty hunters” and taken to a lumber mill where they are to be used as slave labour.
• The bounty hunters decide that their masters will reward them greatly for capturing the spacemen, and take them to their leaders.
• It is revealed that aliens have conquered the Earth. They like to eat humans, and decide to feast on one of Bruce’s teammates. The black guy always dies first.
• The team is put into a dungeon where a fellow prisoner tells them what has happened while they were in space: aliens came and took over. They eat humans and wood. They’re shipping the lumber from the mill back to their home planet and making a lot of space-money in the process. The humans are slaves, but some believe that the President of the USA lives in the mountains nearby, gathering an army of free slaves.
• Bruce and his female teammate (and lover) escape, along with one of the slaves.
• They find a hot chick. Her entire purpose is to look hot.
• They find a village of free slaves and go in search of the President.
• The President lives! (But he’s a bitch and refuses to fight; he’s been sitting around painting for the past 20 years, claims that he’s given it all he’s got.)
• Bruce Campbell and crew go back to the village and make their own army. They attack the aliens who, despite having vastly superior technology, are absolutely inept fighters and don’t even attempt to fight back as they’re slaughtered.
• An alien armoured personnel carrier (APC) shows up and shoots a bunch of missiles. The same woodpile explodes about 20 times. The rebellion is quelled.
• The alien leader lines up the humans and says that if the human leader doesn’t reveal himself, he will kill them all.
• “I’m Spartacus!“
• The President, who decided to stop being a bitch, shows  up with a second wave of fighters and they kill the aliens again. The APC retreats only to return moments later with a bunch more aliens. This group of aliens actually knows how to fight, and a bunch more humans are killed until, out of nowhere, two of them have Molotov cocktails, which they use to destroy the alien APC. Bruce cuts up the remaining aliens with a sword that he mysteriously found at some point off-screen.
• Bruce tells the President that they’re going to attack the next mill tomorrow and that they won’t stop until all humans are free. The end.

Now, there is a lot more detail I could get into. Most of it is awful.

But…

I think that Alien Apocalypse would make a great drinking game. Seriously. You should rent or buy this movie solely for the purpose of turning it into a drinking game. I haven’t figured out all of the rules yet, but here are a few:

• Every time a handshake is denied, take a shot.
• Every time “hot chick” furrows her brow, take a shot.
• Every time people chant, “The President lives,” take a shot.
• Every time the aliens eat someone’s head, take a shot.
• Every time you see the same woodpile explode, take a shot.

By following even just these 5 rules, you’ll probably die of alcohol poisoning, but I’ve got a few more:

• Every time you spot a fake beard, take a shot.
• Every time someone says, “What’s a doctor?” or some variation thereof, take a shot.
• Every time someone mentions “the Probe Mission,” take a shot
• Every time you find yourself thinking, “How can giant, termite-like aliens, who probably don’t have vocal chords, speak English?” take two shots, because you’re clearly over-thinking this ridiculous movie.

9 rules. I’ve come up with 9 rules already, having only seen the movie once. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Either way, I want to line up some shot glasses and try this drinking game.

Sara suggested that, if we were to play, we’d have to put all of the rules into a hat and have each person draw 2 or 3. If we followed all of the rules, we’d all die of alcohol poisoning before the movie was over.

But there is it, the Alien Apocalypse drinking game. Please play responsibly. (And, if you’ve seen the movie, and can think of any rules that I haven’t included, please leave them in the comments.)